dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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