It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
