Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
