my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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