omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
