maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
