ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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