So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
