Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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