I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
