yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wish you could order shots online.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
