Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
