My sheets look like a crime scene.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
