I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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