I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
