Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
