i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i barfeds in our rink
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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