Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
