A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
