I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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