I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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