it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i love accidental penises.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
