the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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