Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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