WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
