you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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