I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
