Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
