When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
