omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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