Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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