I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
