a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
