the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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