walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
