I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
