Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and she was petting her beer can
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
