Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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