I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
