how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
