Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
