Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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