Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
