I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
