remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
