drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
