Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
