Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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