she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
