im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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