its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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