happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
